Sleep in a Crane: Amsterdam's Most Insane Hotel!
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because we're diving deep into a hotel review – no perfectly manicured paragraphs here. This is gonna be… well, let's just say it's gonna be real. And yeah, I might get off on tangents. Deal with it.
Let's call this place… The Unnamed Oasis? (Because honestly, remembering names is hard.)
Metadata/SEO Stuff (Gotta play the game, right?): Hotel Review, Accessible Hotel, Wheelchair Accessible, Free Wi-Fi, Spa, Swimming Pool, On-site Restaurants, Fitness Center, Family Friendly, [Location of Hotel], Best Hotel [Rating] in [Location], Luxury Hotel, Business Hotel, Romantic Getaway, Family Vacation, Safety Standards, Covid-19 Protocols. (Ugh, there, I did it. Now, can we really talk?)
Access and Accessibility? They actually Tried!
Okay, first impressions. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a fairly able-bodied person, but I always appreciate a hotel that gets accessibility. And The Unnamed Oasis? Well, they made a serious effort. The ramps were plentiful, the elevators were spacious (and thankfully, not too slow – I've been trapped in elevators that felt like they were powered by hamsters before), and they had designated rooms. I peeked in one, just to snoop (I'm nosey, I admit it), and it looked properly equipped. Big thumbs-up. Accessibility: Good job, guys. Seriously.
But here's where it gets messy…
On-site accessible restaurants / lounges: I only ate at one – the main restaurant, which seemed accessible. But that’s the thing, seemed. It's easy to install a ramp. It's harder to make sure the tables are spaced far enough apart for a wheelchair to actually maneuver around. And honestly? Some of the tables were a bit crowded. Not a deal-breaker, but definitely something to be aware of. Potential for improvement there, Unnamed Oasis.
Wheelchair accessible: Already covered a bit, but want to say again, they actually went the extra mile. Curb cuts were good, no treacherous thresholds, and generally easy to get around. I saw some folks who were definitely using wheelchairs having an easy time. Win.
Internet, Internet, Internet… Ah, the Modern Nightmare!
Internet Access: Okay, here's where I start ranting. They say it’s available. Literally available. But is it GOOD? Ha!
Free Wi-Fi in all rooms!: YES! This is a MUST in this day and age. And yes, it was indeed free.
Internet [LAN]: Yep, They had one. I don’t even know what that is specifically, but good for them?
Internet services: "Internet services" is vague. Probably means they had internet. Which… they did. But…
Wi-Fi in public areas: Decent Wi-Fi. Enough to check emails and scroll through Instagram. Not so great for serious bandwidth-heavy stuff. Which brings me to…
The Wi-Fi Fiasco (My Personal Hell)
Picture this: I’m trying to upload a very important video. Like, career-making, life-changing, the whole kit and caboodle. And the Wi-Fi… it’s sputtering. It's wheezing. It’s basically saying, “I’m gonna die, but I’ll TRY.” I spent, get this, three hours next to the pool (which was gorgeous, by the way—more on that later) trying to upload this damn video. It was the kind of stress that makes you want to shove a pineapple up a volcano. I ended up hotspotting from my phone. The moral of the story? Don’t rely on their Wi-Fi for anything remotely important.
Things to Do, Ways to Relax… Spa-tacular!
Body scrub, Body wrap, Fitness center, Foot bath, Gym/fitness, Massage, Pool with view, Sauna, Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom, Swimming pool, Swimming pool [outdoor]: Okay, breathe. Breathe. The spa. The spa was… divine. Seriously. I went for a massage, and the masseuse (bless her hands) kneaded out all the internet-induced stress. The pool with a view? Breathtaking. Like, "I could live here" breathtaking. The sauna and steamroom? Glorious, sweaty heaven. And the outdoor pool? Perfect for lounging with a cocktail (more on that later). The fitness center was well-equipped, but honestly.. I was on holiday. So, you know. I glanced at it.
A moment of truth about the pool: I found myself spending a lot of time by the pool with a view. I may have even skipped a scheduled meeting because the view was irresistible.
Cleanliness and Safety – Because, You Know, the World is on Fire
Anti-viral cleaning products, Breakfast takeaway service, Cashless payment service, Daily disinfection in common areas, Doctor/nurse on call, First aid kit, Hand sanitizer, Hot water linen and laundry washing, Hygiene certification, Individually-wrapped food options, Physical distancing of at least 1 meter, Professional-grade sanitizing services, Room sanitization opt-out available, Rooms sanitized between stays, Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items, Shared stationery removed, Staff trained in safety protocol, Sterilizing equipment: Okay, I’m going to be upfront here. I REALLY appreciate the fact that they’re trying. I saw staff constantly wiping down surfaces, hand sanitizer was abundant, and everything felt clean. And honestly, you can’t ask for more.
A small, slightly paranoid confession: I still wiped down everything in my room. Old habits die hard. But, overall, they seemed to be taking things seriously, which is worth noting and praising.
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking – The Food Fight!
A la carte in restaurant, Alternative meal arrangement, Asian breakfast, Asian cuisine in restaurant, Bar, Bottle of water, Breakfast [buffet], Breakfast service, Buffet in restaurant, Coffee/tea in restaurant, Coffee shop, Desserts in restaurant, Happy hour, International cuisine in restaurant, Poolside bar, Restaurants, Room service [24-hour], Salad in restaurant, Snack bar, Soup in restaurant, Vegetarian restaurant, Western breakfast, Western cuisine in restaurant: Alright, let's talk food (because, let's be honest, that's half the reason we travel, right?). The buffet breakfast? Massive! Everything from Asian breakfast to Western breakfast. A tad overwhelming, at first. But, lots of options. The coffee? Okay, but nothing special. The poolside bar? Now that was fantastic. Cocktails and sunshine, a perfect combo. The a la carte restaurant? Decent. Not blow-your-socks-off amazing, but edible. And the 24-hour room service? A savior after that Wi-Fi debacle. I ordered a massive burger at 3 AM. No regrets.
But the salad…
I ordered a salad. I love salads. But it was a little sad. Just a handful of lettuce and a few sad, lonely tomatoes. Come on, Unnamed Oasis! Up your salad game!
Services and Conveniences – Doormen and Dried Cleaners, Oh My!
Air conditioning in public area, Audio-visual equipment for special events, Business facilities, Cash withdrawal, Concierge, Contactless check-in/out, Convenience store, Currency exchange, Daily housekeeping, Doorman, Dry cleaning, Elevator, Essential condiments, Facilities for disabled guests, Food delivery, Gift/souvenir shop, Indoor venue for special events, Invoice provided, Ironing service, Laundry service, Luggage storage, Meeting/banquet facilities, Meetings, Meeting stationery, On-site event hosting, Outdoor venue for special events, Projector/LED display, Safety deposit boxes, Seminars, Shrine, Smoking area, Terrace, Wi-Fi for special events, Xerox/fax in business center: Okay, this is where the Unnamed Oasis really shines. The concierge was incredibly helpful. The doormen were always friendly. The daily housekeeping kept my room sparkling. I even used the dry cleaning service (which, let's be honest, is a lifesaver). They had pretty much everything you could need. All the way down to a small store for souvenirs. Kudos on the comprehensive service.
A slight caveat about the meetings: They had meeting facilities. Looked functional. But, I'm not sure how useful the wi-fi that did not really work, was.
For the Kids (Because let's be honest, they're important too!)
Babysitting service, Family/child friendly, Kids facilities, Kids meal: I didn’t travel with children, so I can't speak from personal experience. But the hotel seemed very family-friendly. They had kids' facilities (playground, i saw!), kids meals, and the staff were very welcoming towards kids. They also had a babysitting service. So, I'd say, if you’re traveling with kids, the Unnamed Oasis probably does a good job.
Access (Again, Just in Case You Missed It)
**CCTV in common areas,
Yuma's BEST Kept Secret: OYO Desert Grove Hotel Review (You WON'T Believe This!)
Alright, buckle up, buttercups, because we're NOT doing a sterile, perfectly-crafted itinerary. We're plunging headfirst into the chaotic, glorious mess that is me experiencing Crane Hotel Faralda in Amsterdam. Consider this less a schedule and more a… well, a series of slightly-drunken postcards scribbled at 3 AM after a particularly potent cocktail.
The Great Amsterdam Experiment: A Faralda Fiasco (and Hopefully, Triumph)
PRE-TRIP PANIC & PERFECTIONISM (or Lack Thereof)
- Week Before: I swear, I spent a full week just staring at photos of the Faralda. This isn't just a hotel, it's a… thing. A giant, converted shipping crane. My inner architect screamed with glee. My inner germaphobe started stockpiling hand sanitizer. Then, the panic hit. "Am I really going climbing?" "What if I fall?" "What if the elevator is broken and I have to climb 300 stairs?" (Okay, maybe I embellished the stairs. Slightly.)
- Packing: Forget the capsule wardrobe. My suitcase looked like a ransom demand. Warm clothes for the unpredictable Dutch weather, a bikini (because… hope springs eternal?), several books I promised myself I'd read (I only made it through one chapter. Oops.), and approximately 7 different types of charging cables. Because, you know, prepared.
- Pre-Trip Drink: A hefty gin and tonic, designed to calm the nerves and convince me I was, in fact, an adventurous person capable of scaling things that are not spreadsheets. Worth it.
DAY 1: ARRIVAL, AERATION, AND A LITTLE BIT OF "HOLY CRAP, I'M ACTUALLY HERE!"
- Arrival: Jet lag hits me like a runaway train. I can't remember the taxi driver's name (sorry, dude!), and the walk from the car to the check-in is a blur of cobblestone streets and canal reflections. Then… BAM. The Crane. It's… bigger than I imagined. And somehow, even more impossibly cool.
- Check-In & Room Revelation: The staff are impossibly chic. I swear, their outfits are better than mine. We go to the suite and I feel like I won the lottery (again). The views are INSANE. Like, Amsterdam spread out before me, a tapestry of rooftops and water. I'm buzzing. I'm happy. I'm kind of speechless.
- First Hour Surprise!
- The Balcony: I spend a solid twenty minutes just gasping on the balcony. The wind whipped through my hair, the sounds of the city were faint but present, and a seagull gave me the side eye. It was the most peaceful, grounding moment, despite the dizzying height.
- "Lunch" (AKA, Late Afternoon Snack Attack): Real food evaded me. I opted for the (overpriced, but delicious – hey! I'm on vacation!) charcuterie board in the hotel. The cheese? Divine. The bread? Perfect for soaking up the tiny bit of wine I was trying to casually sip.
- The Elevator: The elevator in the crane is a marvel. It's tiny, a little creaky, and feels delightfully industrial. Every ride is an adventure, and I always felt this little thrill as it starts.
- Delayed Dinner Panic! I was so mesmerised by the view, I almost missed my dinner reservation! (I'd booked a fancy place - yes, that's me, pretending to be fancy.) I ran out of the hotel, late, hair all over my face, trying not to trip on the cobblestones. I made it though, and it was a great place by the water.
DAY 2: HIGH DRAMA, LOW STRESS (Mostly)
- Morning: Breakfast (and a Near-Death Experience with Dutch Cheese): Breakfast in the suite. The spread was… epic. Croissants that almost made me cry, fresh fruit, and… the cheese. Oh, the cheese. It was like someone had concentrated the essence of every delicious, stinky, glorious cheese known to humanity. One bite was heaven. The second made me slightly question my life choices.
- The Scariest Thing Ever:
- The Bungee Jump: Okay, this is where things got real. I mean, REALLY REAL. I'd booked a bungee jump. For myself - me! As I walked towards the edge, I swear my heart did the tango in my chest. The instructor was annoyingly calm. I had a brief existential crisis. Then, I jumped. The freefall was exhilarating, terrifying, and… indescribably amazing. The adrenaline rush lasted for days. I'm still slightly in shock.
- After Bungee Jump: After the jump, I needed serious soothing. I spent a good hour on the sauna (not sure if I have proper etiquette yet, but I loved it).
- Evening: Canal Cruise and Emotional Breakdown (In a Good Way): One of the best canal cruises I've done! The city at night is all twinkling lights and romantic reflections. The stories we heard! The history! And the fact that I didn't fall in the canal? Bonus. Ended the night with a plate of bitterballen at a cozy bar (and maybe a few tears of joy at the beauty of it all).
DAY 3: DEPARTURE AND POST-CRANE BLUES
- Last Breakfast & View Gazing: I linger over breakfast for a long time, just soaking in the last views. Part of me wants to stay forever. The other part wants to collapse and sleep for a week.
- Farewell to the Crane: The check-out is seamless. The staff is as polished and lovely as ever. I bid farewell to the Crane, still feeling the thrum of the bungee jump and the magic of the entire place.
- The Flight Home: I was on a high that the plane ride back was almost a blur. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep right after takeoff.
- Post-Trip Reflection: I landed back home. I'm already working out how I can someday return to the Crane Hotel. It was a truly unique, unforgettable, and slightly bonkers experience. My advice? Go. Jump. Embrace the mess. You won't regret it. (Just maybe pack extra hand sanitizer.)
This, my friends, is the Faralda experience. Raw. Real. And utterly wonderful. Cheers to adventure (and the occasional cheese-induced existential crisis)! Hope you had fun reading about it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go start planning my next trip.
Istanbul's BEST Inin Bebek: You HAVE to See This!
So, uh... What *is* this thing? Like, what's even happening here generally?
Look, I'm no saint. I may be a complete mess sometimes, but at least I'm an honest mess.
Ugh, I'm confused. Isn't there a better way?
This is for the real people. If you want something simple and easy, you want a basic FAQs.
Is this perfect? Hell, no. Is it *us*? Absolutely.
Okay, but how *do* I use this thing? Are there any directions?
Think of this as a *living* document. It's like my brain, constantly growing and changing. So, if it seems messy, it's not your fault -- that's the truth!
What about... specific scenarios? I have a very specific question.
It's a crapshoot.
But, hey, try your luck.
Do you ever make any mistakes?
Let's just say, I'm a walking, talking, breathing, *mistake-making machine*. I've said the wrong thing, forgotten the right thing, completely misread the situation... the whole shebang. I'm not apologizing for it though. Not now.
Do I learn from them? Sometimes. Do I repeat them? Absolutely. Am I perfect? Sweetie, no one is. And frankly, I get bored of perfection.
What's with the weird pacing? Why don't you keep it tight?
It's like jazz, man. Sometimes you just have to let the rhythm take over.
I suppose it's also a bit of a rebellion. Tired of the clinical, perfect answers.
So, yeah, the pacing is weird. Deal with it. Or don't. I'm not twisting anyone's arm!
Are you trying to be funny? Because I am confused.
If a joke falls flat, forgive me. It's better than being bland, right? Though, I do enjoy a good laugh. I might not always succeed, but I try and that's the goal.
Okay, I'm feeling whiplash. Is there a "tone" here?
Sometimes I'm sarcastic. Other times I'm genuinely excited. There's a hint of exasperation, a dash of cynicism, and a whole lot of "I'm just trying to figure this out as I go."
If you're looking for consistency, you're in the wrong place. Welcome to the beautiful mess.
I have a question about a really niche subject, something not already mentioned. Will *that* ever be answered?
So, let me know! Your question might actually inspire me.
But, hey, don't hold your breath. I could get distracted by a butterfly and forget all about it.
Where do I find more of this stuff?
Enjoy the ride. Or don't. I'm not your boss.
